The Landlord

Connie couldn’t wait to move into her new apartment. She was supposed to be getting her key on Friday. On Thursday, she received a piece of mail from the landlord. She figured it was a copy of the lease, and didn’t bother to open it.

The landlord was a sweet-looking, elderly lady named Patricia Banks. When she got to the leasing office, she found out that she could not get a house key. If she had to go somewhere, she would have to call the landlord to let her back in the apartment. Connie had second thoughts about moving in, but she was exhausted from months of apartment hunting. “I’ll rig this door, if I have to,” she thought to herself. As Connie was moving her belongings in, she noticed that there was a barbed-wire fence in the backyard.

“That’s to keep the neighborhood children away,” Patricia cackled.

“There’s something off about that woman,” Connie thought to herself. Connie relaxed most of the next day.

On Sunday, she went to brunch with her friends. When she went to leave a message for the landlord, to let her back in, she was told not to come home. “Why, what did I do?” Connie asked.

“Didn’t you read the rules? You are not permitted to be home on Sundays, or Wednesdays, because I have to perform certain rituals with the church ladies, to keep the house from being haunted.”

Connie was exasperated. She had to spend the night over a friend’s house. “O.K., so maybe she just has dementia,” she thought to herself.

One day, Connie ate some bad Mexican food, and spent several hours in the bathroom getting sick.

A couple days later, Connie received a letter in the mail from her landlord stating that she needs to pay more attention to the house rules, or she will be evicted. She had broken rule number 1117, you can only flush your toilet twice a day. If you have a problem with lingering smell, you can disinfect the toilet with bleach.

One day, Connie decided to open the window to get some fresh air. The next day, Connie noticed that the landlord had posted a note on the door, stating that she is not allowed to open a window under any circumstances, because the air conditioner is always on; even in the winter.

A couple weeks later, Connie noticed that her windows had been boarded up.

One night after work, Connie decided to take a hot shower, to help ease her nerves. About ten minutes into her shower, the landlord barged into the bathroom, and tore open the shower curtain. “You have broken rule number 2236, you cannot turn your water past seventy degrees Fahrenheit!!!”

While Connie was out shopping, she noticed that 60 watt light bulbs were on sale. That night, she heard the door swing open, and the sound of something being smashed. She ran down the stairs, and saw Patricia smashing her light fixtures into pieces with a sledgehammer!

“Rule number 5236, you cannot use any lightbulbs brighter than 40 watts in your light fixtures. I get terrible migraines, and your bedroom is right across from mine!” Patricia shouted.

Around the end of May, Connie decided to plant some flowers.

“What are those horrifying looking things?!” Patricia screamed, as she walked across Connie’s yard, “I am color-blind, that’s why the rules clearly state, you can only plant dark colored flowers.” Patricia yanked the flowers from the ground.

“This woman is a total nutcase,” Connie thought to herself, “If I can hold out for a couple more months, I should be able to find a new place.”

One night, Connie brought a date home. During a moment of intimacy, Connie felt like she was being watched. She turned around, and looked out the window, and saw the landlord spying on her with a pair of binoculars. “I keep a close watch on all my properties,” Patricia cackled.

Suddenly, there was a loud rap at the door. Connie slipped into a gown to answer. “Sexual perversions are forbidden in this house!” the landlord shouted.

Connie felt something hit her head. The landlord was throwing bibles at her. “That’s it!” Connie thought to herself, “I’ve had it. I can’t even have sex in my own home!”

Connie soon packed up, and left. “I wish that I hadn’t disregarded those rules,” she thought to herself, “I would be $600 richer.”the-old-photo-old-lady

 

 

 

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Debbie the Psycho-Therapist

Debbie, a mentally unstable women, moved into the Irish Towers Apartments, and within months became popular, with the men, as well, as the women. Although she did annoy people, by following around the landlord, calling his wife in the middle of the night, claiming that the neighborhood children were breaking her property; which she was destroying herself, flirting with her neighbor’s husbands, and claiming that people were following her, people around the neighborhood still came to her for advice. They came to her for advice on such issues as: what to do about a utility disconnection, how to handle depression, and even what to do if you suspect someone of child abuse.

Debbie soon got a job at WNUT, a talk radio station. She became the host of a self-help radio show called “Issues With Debbie.”

On her first broadcast, a woman named Elise, from Mansfield, Ohio, called in. “Therapist Debbie, I’ve been struggling with depression for quite a while now. I’m not sure what to do. I just can’t seem to feel better.”

“Well, Elise, always remember that a stick of butter is worth ten gold.”

“I’m not sure I understand…”

“Thanks for calling, Elise.”

On her second broadcast, Laura, from Peninsula, Ohio, called in. “I just got a disconnection notice. If I don’t come up with $67 in two weeks, my utilities will be shut off! I don’t know what to do.”

“Well, Laura, unfortunately you cannot plant a drawer in the sky.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Thanks for calling, Laura.”

On her third broadcast, Linda from Elizabethtown, Tennessee, called in. “I think my husband is cheating on me.”

“Well, Linda, honey, look on the positive side. A snail in the blue dress is worth nine.”

“Why are you mocking me?”

“Thanks for calling, Linda.”

On her fourth broadcast, Amy from Newark, New Jersey, called in. “I think the neighbor from down the street is abusing her children. I’ve seen signs of bruising on their back, and neck. What should I do?”

“Just three boots for nine owls.”

“How can you make fun of such a serious issue?!”

“Thanks for calling, Amy.”

On the fifth broadcast, Janice of Baltimore, Maryland, called in. “I think my teenage son hates me. He’s always angry, refuses to clean his room, and spews obscenities at me. What do you recommend?”

“Well, Janice, a devil in the bush is worth eleven brushes.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Thanks for calling, Janice.”

On the sixth broadcast, Ed of Wheeling, West Virginia, called in. “I’ve put all of this weight on since my wife left me, and I feel horrible about myself. What do you recommend?”

“Three pink slippers ran down the street.”

“Is that a riddle?'”

“Thanks for calling, Ed.”

On the seventh broadcast, Paul of Fairfax, Virginia, called in. “I need your advice, Therapist Debbie. I am a rather good-looking guy. I have a good personality, and a stable job, but I still can’t get a date. What am I doing wrong?”

“Always bake a cake for Sally two times.”

“Do you think pastries are the answer? Wait a minute, are you making fun of me?”

“Thanks for calling, Paul.”

On her eighth broadcast, Peter, of Doylestown, Ohio, called in. “My wife just left me, and I’m going to commit suicide tonight. Give me one reason why I shouldn’t!”

“Please save time in a pink limo.”

“You’re not making sense!”

“Thanks for calling, Peter.”

On the ninth broadcast, Julie of Death Valley, California, called in. “I think I’m fat, and ugly. I can’t even stand to look at myself in the mirror! Therapist, Debbie, how can I feel better about myself?”

“Just expose your winning smile.”

“What?!”

“Thanks for calling, Julie.”

On the tenth broadcast, Renee of Portland, Oregon, called in. “I am thousands of dollars in debt, and I need to file for bankruptcy. I’m scared. How is this going to affect my life?”

“It’s just solidarity¬† within seven toes.”

“Huh?!”

“Thank you for calling, Renee.”

On the eleventh broadcast, Sapphire of Atlanta, Georgia, called in. “I think I have a shopping addiction. My account is constantly overdrawn by $70, or more. What do you think I should do?”

“Get two pickles, and nine guns.”

“What the hell do I need pickles, and guns for? What do you think I am? A trigger-happy pregnant woman?”

“Thanks for calling, Sapphire.”

On the twelfth broadcast, Joyce of Toledo, Ohio, called in. “I’m an emotional eater. I eat when I’m sad, anxious, bored, etc. I always reach for junk food. What do you recommend I do?’

“Well, Joyce, there’s twelve ears in my soup.”

“What are you, some kind of cannibal, you freak?!”

“Thanks for calling, Joyce.”

Two weeks later, Dr. Stevenson,¬† a psychologist from Laurel University, called in to complain. “We’ve got to get this nutcase off the air. She’s not helping anyone. She’s just confusing people.”

Shortly after, Dr. Petersen, a psychiatrist from Hodgekiss University, called in to complain. “These people are in need of advice, and this woman is spewing nonsense. I think it’s obscene that this station is keeping this show on the air.”

However, the show was never cancelled. The radio station responded by stating that their ratings have never been higher. antique-microphone

 

 

 

What Is Life?

What is life?

But a prelude to deathhuman-skull-1345623759znb

We stare into the coffin

As we take our first breath

We spend our lives

In pursuit of wealth

In pursuit of fame

In pursuit of love

Some of us live in fear

The line is such a blur

Yet the words on our graves

Are all the same

AxeHandle Hound

Lumberjack! Lumberjack!

Put away that axe

That strange hound’s going from camp to camp

Stubby-legged sharp-faced dog

Will chew through your axe like a logaxe-in-stump

Random Setting Generator #12

  1. Stone Garden
  2. Essex Mountain Sanitarium
  3. Graystone Park Asylum
  4. Castle Moldenke – home of a mad scientist
  5. Snake Hill Asylum
  6. Green Light Cemetery – glowing graves
  7. Monk’s Castle – frequent cult activity
  8. Rolling Hills Asylumhintergrund-799

Writer’s Block Busters #11

  1. A cult was formed, known as the “Inner Eye of the Sanctum of the Bloody Cross.”
  2. A military truck, carrying chemical weapons, crashed on Stanford Road.
  3. The funeral home, soon became abandoned, because of the epidemic of grave-hintergrund-799robbings.
  4. The local bars started brewing alcohol from embalming fluid.
  5. An old lady went insane, after her husband died, and started planting his body parts in her garden, in hopes that he would come back to life.

Random Setting Generator #11

  1. Bloody Bucket Bridge – water is stained red with the blood of the sacrificed.
  2. Magnolia Creek Road – haunted by passengers of a train wreck.
  3. Field of the Dead
  4. Suicide Road – always covered in blood.
  5. Dead Man’s Road
  6. Coral Castle
  7. City of Stonehintergrund-799

Writer’s Block Busters #10

  1. The area was so evil, that it was causing people from the outlying areas to go insane.
  2. Watch the Shopping Channel For the Deranged.
  3. Participate in the Liar’s Contest.
  4. A deranged woman harvested her husband’s organs, and hung them on the Christmas Tree.
  5. Men have public bouts of combat, every six months, to prove their worth.
  6. The words “church” and “program” are forbidden. Saying either of these words will subject you to execution.hintergrund-799

Random Setting Generator #10

  1. Wakulla Volcano
  2. Wacissa Sulphur Swamps
  3. Rooster Graveyard
  4. Gibtown – home of the freaks
  5. Dark Delve Forest
  6. Devil’s Tree – hangout for devil-worshippers
  7. Witch Grave
  8. Bloody Bucket Road – named for the sacrifice of many infantshintergrund-799

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