Connie couldn’t wait to move into her new apartment. She was supposed to be getting her key on Friday. On Thursday, she received a piece of mail from the landlord. She figured it was a copy of the lease, and didn’t bother to open it.
The landlord was a sweet-looking, elderly lady named Patricia Banks. When she got to the leasing office, she found out that she could not get a house key. If she had to go somewhere, she would have to call the landlord to let her back in the apartment. Connie had second thoughts about moving in, but she was exhausted from months of apartment hunting. “I’ll rig this door, if I have to,” she thought to herself. As Connie was moving her belongings in, she noticed that there was a barbed-wire fence in the backyard.
“That’s to keep the neighborhood children away,” Patricia cackled.
“There’s something off about that woman,” Connie thought to herself. Connie relaxed most of the next day.
On Sunday, she went to brunch with her friends. When she went to leave a message for the landlord, to let her back in, she was told not to come home. “Why, what did I do?” Connie asked.
“Didn’t you read the rules? You are not permitted to be home on Sundays, or Wednesdays, because I have to perform certain rituals with the church ladies, to keep the house from being haunted.”
Connie was exasperated. She had to spend the night over a friend’s house. “O.K., so maybe she just has dementia,” she thought to herself.
One day, Connie ate some bad Mexican food, and spent several hours in the bathroom getting sick.
A couple days later, Connie received a letter in the mail from her landlord stating that she needs to pay more attention to the house rules, or she will be evicted. She had broken rule number 1117, you can only flush your toilet twice a day. If you have a problem with lingering smell, you can disinfect the toilet with bleach.
One day, Connie decided to open the window to get some fresh air. The next day, Connie noticed that the landlord had posted a note on the door, stating that she is not allowed to open a window under any circumstances, because the air conditioner is always on; even in the winter.
A couple weeks later, Connie noticed that her windows had been boarded up.
One night after work, Connie decided to take a hot shower, to help ease her nerves. About ten minutes into her shower, the landlord barged into the bathroom, and tore open the shower curtain. “You have broken rule number 2236, you cannot turn your water past seventy degrees Fahrenheit!!!”
While Connie was out shopping, she noticed that 60 watt light bulbs were on sale. That night, she heard the door swing open, and the sound of something being smashed. She ran down the stairs, and saw Patricia smashing her light fixtures into pieces with a sledgehammer!
“Rule number 5236, you cannot use any lightbulbs brighter than 40 watts in your light fixtures. I get terrible migraines, and your bedroom is right across from mine!” Patricia shouted.
Around the end of May, Connie decided to plant some flowers.
“What are those horrifying looking things?!” Patricia screamed, as she walked across Connie’s yard, “I am color-blind, that’s why the rules clearly state, you can only plant dark colored flowers.” Patricia yanked the flowers from the ground.
“This woman is a total nutcase,” Connie thought to herself, “If I can hold out for a couple more months, I should be able to find a new place.”
One night, Connie brought a date home. During a moment of intimacy, Connie felt like she was being watched. She turned around, and looked out the window, and saw the landlord spying on her with a pair of binoculars. “I keep a close watch on all my properties,” Patricia cackled.
Suddenly, there was a loud rap at the door. Connie slipped into a gown to answer. “Sexual perversions are forbidden in this house!” the landlord shouted.
Connie felt something hit her head. The landlord was throwing bibles at her. “That’s it!” Connie thought to herself, “I’ve had it. I can’t even have sex in my own home!”
Connie soon packed up, and left. “I wish that I hadn’t disregarded those rules,” she thought to herself, “I would be $600 richer.”