Texas Burgers

Jerry had not been the same, since his wife of 22 years had asked him to leave. He was forced to live with his mother in Galveston. Although his mother had a house overlooking the beach, Jerry could not appreciate it. He became very depressed. He did not take care of himself very well, nor did he eat right. He ate fast food for almost every meal. Jerry had no privacy at home, and would drive around for hours after work. He was even hospitalized for a few days, because he hadn’t had a bowel movement in two weeks.

One day, when Jerry was driving through San Antonio, he noticed that a new burger joint had opened up, called “Clyde and Hoppy’s.” He felt his stomach rumble, and thought, “What the hell.” As he walked in, he noticed that the restaurant seemed to have western theme. “I think I might like this place,” Jerry thought.

Suddenly, a buzzer went off. People were cheering, as confetti fell from the ceiling. “Welcome 1000th customer!” Someone dressed like a cowboy slipped an envelope in his hand. “Not only is your meal on us, today, sir, but you have won the prize of judging our 32nd annual burger cook-off. We’ve recently expanded our franchise all the way from Arkansas. People all over the south will be there. You are in for a real treat, sir.”

Jerry grinned as he opened the envelope, and read more about the contest. “Join us on June 22nd, from 2-7 P.M., at the Steerhead Fairgrounds. You will enjoy good music, hot babes, and mouth-watering recipes from all over the south.”

Jerry took his “Judge” badge out of the envelope, and pinned it on his shirt. “Now, that just made my day!”

The first entry was a taco burger, prepared by Eugene Banks of Tallahassee, Florida. Jerry didn’t care much for this burger, because it was so messy. He thought to himself, “Some foods just don’t need to be combined. Tacos are fine the way they are.” The burger reminded him of a taco, because it had corn chips, and taco seasoning mixed into the patty. It was served with salsa. Jerry rated this burger a four out of ten.

The second entry was a Paul Bunyon Burger, prepared by Marcus Trion of Miami, Florida. It had a Cajun flair to it. Jerry was much more impressed by this burger. He could not stop eating spicy food, although he was getting older, and he could not tolerate it as well. This burger was quite spicy. It had Worchestershire sauce, and horseradish cooked into it. Jerry rated this burger a five out of ten.

The third entry was a French Terragon Burger, prepared by Terrance Isaac of Shreveport, Louisiana. This burger nearly made him sick. It had a tangy taste to it. The burger was made with mayo, Dijon mustard, and Terragon. Jerry couldn’t stand Dijon mustard. It was served on French bread. Jerry nearly broke his tooth on the bread. He rated this burger a one out of ten.

The fourth entry a was a grilled pizza burger, prepared by Paula Gardener of Dallas, Texas. This burger made Jerry’s mouth water. He was a kid at heart. It had all the seasonings of a traditional pizza, tomato sauce, onions, Parmesan, and Provolone cheese. It was served over an English muffin. He rated this burger a six out of ten.

Jerry was anxious about tasting the next few entries, because they were turkey burgers. Jerry had never eaten a turkey burger. When he noticed that the fifth entry was a New Mexico Green Chili, turkey burger, he had his mouth set. There is nothing like a spicy, tangy burger. This entry was prepared by Ian Broche of Sarasota, Florida. It had chili peppers, honey, lime juice, and chili powder cooked into it. Jerry rated his burger a seven out of ten.

Jerry couldn’t wait to sample the next entry. He had become fond of turkey burgers. The sixth entry was a Jalapeno Jack Turkey Burger prepared by Nancy Crose of Palm Springs, Florida. It was a sweet, and tangy burger, with cilantro, honey, and salsa cooked into it. It was served with onions, spinach leaves, and guacamole. Jerry rated this burger an eight out of ten.

By the time Jerry had reached the seventh entry, he had sweat running down his face from eating all of the spicy food. It was a Fiery Chipolte Turkey Burger prepared by Danny French of Houston, Texas. Jerry could tell that it was an extremely spicy burger, because it had chipotle chili peppers, and mayo cooked into it. It was served with jalapeno peppers, pepper-jack cheese, spicy barbeque sauce, and fried onions. Jerry gulped down a large glass of ice water before he took a bite. He rated this burger a nine out of ten.

Jerry didn’t care much for the eighth entry, which was a cranberry glazed turkey burger. It was prepared by Josie Sweetin of Houston, Texas. The burger had a sweet, and spicy taste to it. “Burgers should not have a sweet taste,” he thought to himself.” It had sage, thyme, and orange peel cooked into it. It was served with spinach, and onion. Jerry rated it a three out of ten.

Jerry did not like the ninth entry. It was a grilled burger served with thousand island dressing prepared by Mimi of Galveston, Texas. Jerry was not a big fan of thousand island dressing, because it made him queasy. The burger had a sweet, and tangy taste to it. It had mayo, ketchup, and sweet relish cooked into it. It was served with sweet onion, cheddar cheese, and bacon. Jerry rated it a two out of ten.

The last entry was Jerry’s favorite. It was just an ordinary burger prepared by Heidi Kitchen of San Antonio, Texas. This burger was known as the “Down-Home American Burger.” Jerry could not figure out what was so special about it. It tasted excellent! It had a sweet, smoky, hickory taste to it. He decided this would be the winning entry.

After handing out the awards, Jerry asked the winning contestant for the recipe.

Heidi reluctantly agreed. “Sorry, I can’t tell you here. Follow me.”

Jerry followed the tiny redhead, with freckles between two buildings, into an alleyway.

Jerry was mortified to learn that the meat from the burger was made from ground-up prison inmates, who were executed. The restaurant was buying the “meat” from the prisons, because it was so cheap. There were so many executions in Texas, that the prisons were running low on space to bury the bodies…hamburger-royal





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